It has been many months since I’ve written here. Quite honestly, many months since I’ve wanted to. I grappled a bit with what had to come next. As a longtime writer, I know that sometimes I may want to write about something, but during phases of life where things are busy, unless I both want to and it feels like the thing that is supposed to come through me next, I can’t justify exerting the effort. So, I’ve paused.
Somehow at the end of the summer, after travelling with my family in the quiet of the North, I felt like I was coming to the end of a cycle. The perspective several months has given me is the opportunity to realize the feeling of conclusion and closing off certain things was really just beginning. The autumn has been a series of completions, in a manner of speaking, with more of that to come. Simultaneously, there is a wellspring of new ideas bursting forth, which is why, despite being given explicit instruction from my therapist to sleep more this very morning, I am up at midnight trying to capture and express the essence of what a season of listening can do.
The most difficult lesson for me this past season was acceptance. Taking a naked look at things and just coming to terms with what is. I can’t do everything I want to. Not everyone likes or respects me. There are so many things beyond my control and they always will be. My brain is rather different than many others and despite being in my forties, in some cases I don’t have very basic awareness and answers to certain things, this can frustrate and disappoint others. People around me, whom I love, are suffering and there is not much I can do to help. Many of the power structures in the world are abhorrent, inhuman and cruel. I have two small children who also have intelligence and brain function that deviates from the norm and they necessarily take a lot of my time. The things to contend with just don’t stop. But we can. I got to a point this fall where I realized I just couldn’t do any more right now, I let go and listened. And Spirit met me where I made space.
Some of the things I heard were beautiful reminders, sweet, fully formed ideas that are just part of who I am, other things I had to try on (some kept, some discarded) and other things still were things I felt uncomfortable with, sometimes deeply so. But it’s okay, as it usually is. All of this, in solitude I took late at night when I maybe should have been sleeping….
Winter is the quiet season, the time when Mother Earth nudges us to go inward, as she does. There is something so completely freeing about accepting what is and then dropping even deeper into it. Acceptance and trust, trust and acceptance. Again and again, held by Spirit in the dark and the quiet, you and everything living, finally at rest.
Here in Alberta, we welcomed winter a few weeks ago. Traditional Yule celebrations happen in a week and a half. We are almost at peak darkness for this year. Is it stretching you? The light at the ends of the day, in particular, so delicate. I am grateful to rouse and rest with that reflection. So much delicacy. In the winter, I believe we are called to be gentle, with ourselves and others. Mother Nature is the best guide.